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The last few years of my life has been filled with external and internal change. I moved to another city, I've been travelling to places I've never been before. Many of my base assumptions about life got challenged.
I went through a lot of change. And yet, eventually, I seem to always end up experiencing the same feeling within me.
In the recent years, I have experienced change again and again.
I moved to another city. Relationships ended. New relationships started. I lost loved ones. I quit my job. I've travelled new continents. I've worked in different setups. I've explored new interests. I made new experiences.
I identified and detached from many core beliefs that I had about life and myself.
No matter what changes I've been going through, there is one experience I am making, one conclusion I have that keeps coming back. It is a certain feeling that is still difficult for me to describe and comprehend.
It feels very uncomfortable. When I have this feeling, I feel a mix of fear, anxiety and incompleteness. And, I feel so wrong. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, I can't get rid of this feeling. Am I wrong?
I am trying to understand this feeling, and eventually not feel it anymore.
For the most part of my life, I thought that this feeling primarily stems from my external situation. After having gone through so many vastly different external situations, however, I have now come to the conclusion that this is not true.
I believe that there is a fundamental cause for this feeling, and that I can find it within me.
I don't know who I am. I think, this feeling is connected to my lack of identity. To a large extend, this feeling is my identity.
I will find myself. I will break the cycle. I will go through radical change.
Published 19 June 2019Back Home